Why Not Me?

It has been quite a while since I have last written. What have I been up to? The usual: navigating the stormy waters that are my classes, finishing up last-minute projects for the clubs I am involved in, and of course, preparing for finals.

But I have also done a different kind of work in the interim; I done a lot of inner work, working on myself and preparing myself for my future.

I have done a lot of reflecting on what has happened to me over the course of this semester: losing what I thought was my best friend and having a roommate conflict that I fought and won. Both of these experiences were difficult, to say the least. In ending the 'friendship,' I was initially heartbroken; I felt lost, confused, and angry. I was upset that I spent almost 15 years with a 'friend' who revealed herself to be quite the opposite. In the midst of my roommate situation, I felt degraded, disrespected, inhuman, less-than. I felt like I had been beaten up by the tension present in the room, and my voice felt stifled.

Now it is April and spring has finally arrived, a season filled with new life and new growth. While this is true for the flowers and trees growing into their potential, it has also been true for me. In reflecting on all this, I have found that I am now prepared to take on my future and claim my own potential; being 'underground' in such difficult times has sprung me to the surface into the light, where I can clearly see that the sun has been shining on me and for me the whole time.

I find myself now as a much different person that the girl who began her sophomore year back in September. That girl was quiet, timid, weaker, submissive. I now find myself to be more vocal, assertive, stronger, and capable. I have learned that the people I choose to associate myself with do not give me value; I give myself value. I am the keeper of my dignity and my worth, and no one — no false friend, disrespectful roommate, nor rude passers-by — can strip me of my value.

I have learned how to let people go; in deciding the future of the 'friendship' that came to a nebulous, indefinite end, I had to ask myself, "If I were to leave this friendship, am I justified? Am I leaving for the right reasons? And if I do leave, will I miss what this person offered me?" After answering these questions, I found that I was justified in leaving for the sheer fact that this 'friend' offered me nothing. She did not support me, praise my successes, console me in my failures, listen to the details of an exciting occurrence in my life, or even listen to the monotonous everyday affairs of my life. She did not reciprocate what I gave to her, and for that, I am justified in walking away and in realizing that I deserve much more out of a friendship. I realized that there comes a day when we can no longer hold onto what does not propel us into our future, but instead holds us back in our past.

Because of all of this, I have recognized that just by virtue of my existence, I deserve better out of friends and I deserve better out of life. I have begun dreaming bigger dreams for myself than I have ever dreamed before – and what's more is that I finally feel like I have the tools to achieve those dreams. Instead of asking "Why would something great ever happen to someone like me?", I have begun to ask "Why not me?" I have decided that there is no reason in the universe why wonderful things shouldn't happen to me. And with hard work, faith, a little risk-taking and constant reminders of where I have been and how far I have come, maybe my dreams (and much more) will come to pass.

To anyone that may have recently experienced anything remotely close to what I have, if you take away one thing from this post, let it be this: You are the keeper of your value, you are the decider of your future, and you are the leading actor on the stage of your own life. While others may have had a part in writing the script of your past, you have the power to write your future. And remember, the question is not "Why me?", it's "Why not me?"

That's all for today.

-That University Girl